Abandonment issues versus trusting those around you to stay
We all feel abandoned at times but for some of us ABANDONMENT may be a word which has a deep effect on us. You know the pain, fear and anxiety which is often accompanied by a deep sadness and feeling of isolation. I feel a loss “I feel alone” accompanied by fear and panic “I must cling on harder and ask for reassurance”.
This may be due to a parent leaving through death or divorce or maybe even your parents simply moved house regularly. You may have had inadequate physical or emotional care as a child and/or unstable or unreliable parents. Unfortunately this pattern seems to repeat in your adult life and this means that a partner may leave and so there is a self-fulfilling prophesy as the partner is driven away.
Fear that the partner may go away may make be making you put up with a bad relationship due to fear of being abandoned; and this compromises the healthy development of healthy adult relationships in your life.
Fear of abandonment is primal fear - not something we get rid of. It is essential and universal to all human beings, a driving force in our connections. It can either interfere in our relationships or reinforce them.
Once we learn how to deal with this primal fear, we access its healing properties.
During their early developmental stages, children believe that everything is their fault, they blame themselves for divorce, abuse, or even the death of a parent. Such children start to believe that they are unlovable, and they may internalise self-blame, as reflected by an inner critic. Weight problems may also be the result of worry due to a fear of abandonment, eating the wrong things and not being able to not eat just one biscuit due to a lack of self-worth – it’s another way that a person may be creating the self-fulfilling prophesy.
Feeling attracted to someone or even making a new friend triggers this fear. Many people complain that abandonment imprisons them behind a wall of their own making. They get caught up in patterns of constant re-abandonment or avoid relationships altogether to avoid the pain. Others are in a relationship but feel chronic heartache and uncertainty. They’re shrouded in shame for feeling so needy.
Even the possibility of creating some kind of relationship with me now while you are reading this may be beginning to trip you up. It’s a push me pull you situation. You would LOVE to feel safe with someone yet it’s so very HARD to trust, from that inner place, that someone would stay with you no matter what you do - just because you are you, you are worthy, and for no other reason. Hmmm… that’s immense.
Fear of abandonment is involuntary. You didn’t cause it. It’s not something you signed up for. It found you. It's the degree of the fear which can mess us up. Can you accept that this fear is part of being human? Can you possibly give yourself unconditional self-love and compassion rather than judging yourself as “weak”?
Abandonment issues can be overwhelming yet, if you feel challenged by these fears you can learn to manage them in ways that are healthy and productive.
Our aim (because it’s you and me working together) is to help you find your own way to able to feel solitary and still content – this is your new powerful you.
Something which may be difficult to know yet we cannot escape is that, whether we are happily married or by ourselves, we came into the world alone and will exit the world alone. Each of us is alone in the very centre of ourselves. Can you possibly accept and make peace with your aloneness?
Let’s, for a moment, put all of the things you know trigger the fear of abandonment aside for the moment because it’s too overwhelming to take on the whole situation at once. Let’s break it down to its most basic parts. It isn’t fear of abandonment that sabotages our relationships, it’s how we handle it. It takes a leap of faith.
This is when we grab a pen and paper – or even start a journal – and let’s see which of these are happening to you. Choose the 2 items below which “ping” most as being relevant to where you are now. Write them down.
- Do you have unrealistic expectations toward your partner, wanting too much too soon which you know get’s detected by your partner’s special radar?
- Do you push your feelings down and don’t feel you can share them because of the fear that your insecurity is chasing your partner away?
- Maybe you are aware that you try to manipulate your partner into doing things that make you feel more secure; yet even this does not make you feel better.
- Do you hide your panic; and, in trying to save the relationship, you lose your authenticity?
- Are you making your partner feel emotionally responsible toward you creating that awful dynamic where you need them more than they need you?
- As your desperation intensifies are you creating a vicious cycle?
- Do you feel self-loathing when you sense that your insecurity driving is your partner away?
- Are you aware of habits, like eating too much bad food, to soothe the anxiety you are feeling?
- Do you look to your partner for the solution and, when they doesn’t comply, you give your power away?
Future you - can you possibly;
- Build a sense of trust in others?
- Find ways to take 100% responsibility when your fear erupts rather than expecting your partner to “fix it” (even if he triggered it)?
- Develop emotional self-reliance and feel worthy of unconditional, non-judgemental love from special people?- Learn to separate fears rooted in the past from the reality of the present?
- Approach your partner with self-confidence born of self-responsibility?
- Become actively engaged with and administer to your own emotional needs so you don’t have to rely on your partner to do it?
- Exude the reality that it’s no one else’s responsibility but yours to make you feel secure?
- Learn to successfully communicate your needs in an intimate relationship?
- Feel safe during intimate times and spaces with your number one person?
- Create your own emotional self-reliance and become accepting of yourself in the process?
- Minimise the way fear controls your emotional responses to current relationships and events and achieve healing from past experiences?
- When you catch yourself once again looking to your partner for reassurance, just re-direct and get back on track!
- Become 100% responsible for your own wellbeing.
It's a step by step process. We don’t accomplish this perfectly or once and for all. The road to emotional self-reliance is slow, steady, and sporadic. You take it step by step in your own time.
When you transform abandonment fear into emotional self-reliance through radical acceptance that you are OK, no matter how those around you act, this empowers you to stop laying your insecurity at the feet of your partner/friends/relations and take responsibility for your own emotional needs.
This will be a very individual process for you and the exercises you may read on the internet or in glossy magazines will begin a process which you are realising you cannot do alone – you do need to find someone who you KNOW you can TRUST and who trusts themselves that they can help you with whatever comes up within you. Let’s increase your self-love quotient as you feel able to talk things through with someone.
Develop a bolder, more robust part of yourself as you become more comfortable in your own skin and your comfort zone becomes wider and broader.
It’s important to acknowledge that this issue can be so strong that it is sometimes seen as a PTSD (Post traumatic stress disorder) as you may have experienced something which has had an extremely strong effect on you. You have permission to say “this is affecting me really deeply” if this will help you to move on and accept your deep vulnerability.
How do we begin to do this together?
To begin with write down the 2 sentences above which ‘pinged’ for you.
Then match them with the best approach from the second list from the 'Future You' list.
We help you, using positive pictures and positive affirmations, to access a calm ‘centre’ where you can immediately go to when fears threaten your sense of safety or security.
We add to this the tools of Mindfulness and living and enjoying being in the moment, in whatever way suits you.
Then it’s up to you where we go next.
Hello I'm Fran Doidge from Coaching for Wellbeing www.coachingforwellbeing.co.ukLet me talk to you in person http://bit.ly/2jhuxNe about how I help people facing challenges in their relationships and you will be able to email me for my 10 steps to minimising emotions in relationships.
Have you got a bit stuck and feel you need some help from another person from a fresh perspective? Feel free to contact me
or look to see if there are any more of my blogs which may help you.
I offer a FREE 30 minute chat to ascertain whether you feel I will be able to help you. I'm here for you.
My unique strength is the combination of Wellbeing Coaching with Relaxing Self-Massage using a luxurious Aromatherapy blend of essential oils,
When feelings are running high the sense of touch along with Coaching helps you keep things in perspective and bring you back to a more calm and balanced place and support you in creating more self esteem. I have 28 years experience of helping clients gain a fresh perspective on life and a more positive picture of themselves in their relationship with them selves and others too. I'll help YOU find ways to be true to yourself.
Coaching, Mindfulness, Massage ..... and even luxurious Aromatherapy blends especially for you.
- Decide which combination works for you;
- Coaching on it’s own - with Mindfulness where relevant
- Coaching and Massage (Why not talk on Zoom/Skype and I'll send you Self Massage instructions to enjoy Massage at home)
- Coaching and Aromatherapy (Your luxurious blend of essential oils selected according to your individual needs sent to your home to use in a diffuser or add to carrier oil for self-massage.Your special bit of luxury)
or a combination of everything.
If you'd like to see how I've helped others then see my home page at www.coachingforwellbeing.co.uk where you'll see a lovely box of testimonials on the lower left of the page.
It would be great to connect with you on Facebook, so please come and join my group: Fran Doidge’s Emotional High Five https://www.facebook.com/groups/FranDoidgesEmotionalHighFive/
I look forward to working with you.
Bye for now x