Fear of Abandonment and Trusting that special people will stay
Worried that a special person may leave you if you don't do or say what they want?
Maybe even allowing yourself to be physically or mentally abused?
Feeling pain, fear and anxiety and deep sadness accompanied by isolation?
Feel at a loss and alone?
I must cling on harder and I need reassurance; but I've found out this pushes people away
This may have been caused by a parent leaving through death or divorce or maybe even your parents simply moved house regularly. You may have had inadequate physical or emotional care as a child and/or unstable or unreliable parents. Unfortunately this pattern seems to repeat in your adult life and this means that you fear that a partner may leave and so there is a self-fulfilling prophesy as the partner is driven away.
Fear that the partner may go away may make be making you put up with a bad relationship due to fear of being abandoned; and this compromises the healthy development of healthy adult relationships in your life.
Chasing unavailable love results in SELF ABANDONMENT.
Fear of abandonment is primal fear - not something we get rid of
During their early developmental stages, children believe that everything is their fault, they blame themselves for divorce, abuse, or even the death of a parent. Such children start to believe that they are unlovable, and they may internalise self-blame, as reflected by an inner critic. Weight problems may also be the result of worry due to a fear of abandonment, eating the wrong things and not being able to not eat just one biscuit due to a lack of self-worth – it’s another way that a person may be creating the self-fulfilling prophesy
Feeling attracted to someone or even making a new friend triggers this fear
Many people complain that abandonment imprisons them behind a wall of their own making. They get caught up in patterns of constant re-abandonment or avoid relationships altogether to avoid the pain. Others are in a relationship but feel chronic heartache and uncertainty. They’re shrouded in shame for feeling so needy.
Fear of abandonment is involuntary
You didn’t cause it. It’s not something you signed up for. It found you. It's the degree of the fear which can mess us up. Can you accept that this fear is part of being human? Can you possibly give yourself unconditional self-love and compassion rather than judging yourself as “weak”? Abandonment issues can be overwhelming yet, if you feel challenged by these fears you can learn to manage them in ways that are healthy and productive.
Something which may be difficult to know yet we cannot escape is that, whether we are happily married or by ourselves, we came into the world alone and will exit the world alone. Each of us is alone in the very centre of ourselves. Can you possibly accept and make peace with your aloneness?
Let’s, for a moment, put all of the things you know trigger the fear of abandonment aside for the moment because it’s too overwhelming to take on the whole situation at once. Let’s break it down to its most basic parts. It isn’t fear of abandonment that sabotages our relationships, it’s how we handle it. It takes a leap of faith
This is when we grab a pen and paper – or even start a journal
– and let’s see which of these are happening to you. Choose the 2 items below which “ping” most as being relevant to where you are now.
Future you - can you possibly;- Build a sense of trust in others?
- Find ways to take 100% responsibility when your fear erupts rather than expecting your partner to “fix it” (even if he triggered it)?
- Develop emotional self-reliance and feel worthy of unconditional, non-judgemental love from special people?- Learn to separate fears rooted in the past from the reality of the present?
- Approach your partner with self-confidence born of self-responsibility?
- Become actively engaged with and administer to your own emotional needs so you don’t have to rely on your partner to do it?
- Exude the reality that it’s no one else’s responsibility but yours to make you feel secure?
- Learn to successfully communicate your needs in an intimate relationship?
- Feel safe during intimate times and spaces with your number one person?
- Create your own emotional self-reliance and become accepting of yourself in the process?
- Minimise the way fear controls your emotional responses to current relationships and events and achieve healing from past experiences?
- When you catch yourself once again looking to your partner for reassurance, just re-direct and get back on track!
- Become 100% responsible for your own wellbeing. make you feel better.
It's a step by step process. We don’t accomplish this perfectly or once and for all
This will be a very individual process for you and the exercises you may read on the internet or in glossy magazines will begin a process which you are realising you cannot do alone – you do need to find someone who you KNOW you can TRUST and who trusts themselves that they can help you with whatever comes up within you. Let’s increase your self-love quotient as you feel able to talk things through with someone.
Develop a bolder, more robust part of yourself as you become more comfortable in your own skin and your comfort zone becomes wider and broader.
It’s important to acknowledge that this issue can be so strong that it is sometimes seen as a PTSD (Post traumatic stress disorder) as you may have experienced something which has had an extremely strong effect on you. You have permission to say “this is affecting me really deeply” if this will help you to move on and accept your deep vulnerability.
To begin with write down the 2 sentences above which ‘pinged’ for you.
Then we begin to explore the feelings around these sentences and what may be driving your feelings - where do they come from?
We help you, using positive pictures and positive affirmations, to access a calm ‘centre’ where you can immediately go to when fears threaten your sense of safety or security.
We add to this the tools of Mindfulness and living and enjoying being in the moment, in whatever way suits you.
Then it’s up to you where we go next
Work with me to understand how to trust those around you will stay
CALL OR TEXT ME: 07974 400575