I can’t talk to the person I have hurt as I don’t know where to start / they won’t listen
However I CAN forgive me / myself for my part in this mess we are in
How do I begin to forgive myself and set me free?
Forgiving ourselves offers safe passage from our minds into our hearts
Forgiveness is strange medicine – if you give it to others it heals the wounds in your heart
You were doing the best you could with the experience and tools you had at the time.
Forgiving Ourself
Forgiveness is often defined as:
A deliberate decision to let go of feelings of anger, resentment, and retribution toward someone who you believe has wronged you
However, while you may be quite generous in your ability to forgive others, are you much harder on yourself?
Everyone makes mistakes, but learning how to learn from these errors, let go, move on, and forgive yourself is important for mental health and well-being.
Self-forgiveness is always beneficial.
Remember, Self-forgiveness is not about letting yourself off the hook, nor is it a sign of weakness. The act of forgiveness, whether you are forgiving yourself or someone who has wronged you, does not suggest that you are condoning the behaviour.
• Accept responsibility for your part in what happened and maybe realise the other person had some part in it. Maybe hidden, however they may have inadvertently triggered a response in you. Was it a matter of bad timing? Do they keep telling you were wrong and it’s all your fault without acknowledging their part in whatever happened?
• Treat yourself with kindness and compassion and be open to what exactly you need in order to heal and feel better. Will it help to call on a friend or therapist or are you someone who values time with your hobby? At some stage though we normally need support.
• Express remorse for what you did either to the person or to another person if the person concerned will not listen to you.
• Make amends and apologize (including apologizing to yourself).
How can I make you feel better? How has what I have done actually hurt you/destroyed what we had/destroyed something you loved/destroyed your self esteem/
• What have I learned from this experience? What is the gift; or insight I have gained about myself? How am I growing through this experience?
What have I leaned about the other person?
Am I really as bad as I thought or has the way the other person responded made me think that it’s all my fault?
What do I need now to give myself; to ‘hug’ myself and convince myself and know and trust that I will not do this again because of how this has hurt me as well as them.
What do I love? A trip to the seaside/ a long bath/a fun day out
Contact me for a FREE 30 minute EFT (Emotional Freedom therapy) session 07974 400575
• I know that I am making better choices in the future
How does that thing I did look in my mind?
A yoke on their shoulders – I’m imagining that as I forgive myself it’s being lifted off their shoulders
Left a wound – I’m imagining that as I forgive myself their wound is healing
Kept them trapped – I’m imagining that as I forgive myself they are flying free
Abused them mentally – I’m imagining that as I forgive myself they are helping themselves and are feeling confident again
Abused them physically – I’m imagining that as I forgive myself their wounds are healing
Destroyed their confidence – I’m imagining that as I forgive myself they are getting help to give them confidence again
Some of the characters who enter our life have short roles to play, others, much larger. Some are villains and others are good guys. But all of them are necessary, otherwise they wouldn’t be in the play. Embrace them all, and move on to the next act.
Becoming aware of the emotions you are experiencing (or if emotions are difficult for you to identify its that thing which is lurking) is an important part of learning to forgive yourself. Research has found that identifying and labelling your emotion (or that thing which lurks) can help reduce the intensity of your feelings, the guilt and the shame.
Self-compassion and treating ourself with the same kindness that you would show to another person minimises self-criticism; while still acknowledging that you made a mistake and want to do better in the future.
When we find the courage to face what we did and take responsibility, we may experience a range of negative feelings, including guilt and shame. It’s completely normal, even healthy, to feel guilty about it. These feelings of guilt and remorse can serve as a springboard to positive behaviour change.
Feelings of worthlessness which, left unresolved, can lead to addiction, depression, and aggression. Making mistakes that you feel guilty about does not make you a bad person or undermine your intrinsic value.
Making amends is an important part of forgiveness, even when the person you are forgiving is yourself. Just as you might not forgive someone else until they’ve made it up to you in some way, forgiving yourself is more likely to stick when you feel like you’ve earned it. Take action to rectify your mistakes and apologize if it is called for (is it REALLY me who has to apologise?) Ask them what they want you to do to make it up to them. You don’t know until you actually ask.
Fixing your mistake means you’ll never have to wonder if you could have done more.
Everyone makes mistakes and has things for which they feel sorry or regretful. Falling into the trap of rumination, self-hatred, or even pity can be damaging and make it difficult to maintain your self-esteem and motivation.
When we understand WHY we behaved the way we did and exactly WHY we feel guilty we prevent the same behaviours again in the future. Yes, we might have messed up, but it was a learning experience that has helped me make better choices in the future.
Rather than feeling guilty about those past errors I’m reminding myself about what I learned and how I can use that knowledge and experience to guide my actions going forward.
Shifting my mental energy is allowing me to be with whatever I’m feeling — letting the experience be as it may, without blaming others or me in the moment and in the NOW. I’m allowing the experience to unfold and no one has the power to make me uneasy without my consent. I’m unwilling to grant that authority to this person right now. I am bypassing my desire to understand the other person; instead I’m focusing on understanding me.
I choose the power others have over me.
Self-forgiveness is a powerful practice, Am I unfairly blaming myself for something that I’m not actually responsible for.? Is the abuse, trauma, or loss in my past which I could not control or predict/avoid colouring my response? The standard axiom within psychology has been that forgiveness is a good thing and that it conveys a number of benefits, whether you have experienced a minor slight or have suffered a much more serious grievance. This includes both forgiving others as well as yourself.
Research shows the benefits of Forgiveness
Numerous studies have demonstrated that when people practice self-forgiveness, they experience lower levels of depression and anxiety while self-compassion is associated with higher levels of success, productivity, focus, and concentration. Having a compassionate and forgiving attitude toward yourself is also a critical component of successful relationships. Being able to forge close emotional bonds with other people is important, but so is the ability to repair those bonds when they become fraught or damaged.
One study found that both parties benefit from the “offending partner” showing self-forgiveness. Specifically, both partners tended to feel more relationship satisfaction and have fewer negative thoughts about each other as a result of genuine self-forgiveness. Having a compassionate and forgiving attitude toward yourself is also a critical component of successful relationships.
Being able to forge close emotional bonds with other people is important, but so is the ability to repair those bonds when they become fraught or damaged. One study found that both parties benefit from the “offending partner” showing self-forgiveness. Specifically, both partners tended to feel more relationship satisfaction and have fewer negative thoughts about each other.
Forgiveness is a two way process
You are not completely responsible for what has happened. Allow to come up to the surface a realisation of how the other person has responded/reacted to your actions/words.
In Desmond and Mpho Tutu’ s book ‘The Book of forgiving’ they explore the four fold path to forgiveness
Telling the story – what is the REAL story. When we feel responsible we think its ALL OUR FAULT. But it really won’t be.
If your need for forgiveness is within a relationship there is a part which the other person played in the scenario. Subtle but true. It’s really possible that, because of their inner weakness they could have played on being a victim and you the perpetrator. Allowed you to dump yourself in it.
Please really go back and see the story again with fresh eyes having, first of all, taken the time to be kind to you.
“When we accept our own pain we can begin to see past it to the person’s woundedness
… somehow we are able to separate the person from what they have done”.
By accepting our vulnerability we accept the perpetrator’s”
If we feel we are the perpetrator we are able to see their vulnerability within what happened to you both. We have taken our dignity back.
Much of what you and they have experienced is due to “implicit” memories which we have been internalised and not actually consciously remembered
Can you invite the person to write down how you hurt them? The healing for you both can still happen. Without the story you will never really know how it was for them. They are keeping their power by not telling you how it was for them. All you can do then is make assumptions and the hurt you perceive you created will, inevitably, have grown bigger than it actually was.
Naming the hurt – how exactly were they hurt? What did you actually do? Was it really wrong. Would another stronger, more self aware, person have made you feel as wrong as they have made you feel? What are the actual facts? Which of their buttons did you inadvertently push to make them react as they did? Relationships are about growing and finding out about ourselves.
Grief is how we cope with and release the pain. We grieve as much for what might have been as for what was. A topic outside this discussion yet of course to be worked through nevertheless.
Granting forgiveness – has the other person heard your attempts to say sorry? Have they tried to grant you forgiveness?
HAVE YOU ALLOWED THEM TO FORGIVE YOU? Have you inadvertently made them the baddy now by NOT allowing them to grant you forgiveness? Is this because in fact you already hate yourself and they are fulfilling the self fulfilled prophesy? This is the nux of this story and is where you will either succeed in moving forward or fail. This is where the work is desperately needed.
Forgiveness will always be accompanied by love and compassion and honesty from the heart.
This is what you are looking for to allow this whole process to unwind and be released. LOVE AND ACCEPTANCE FOR OURSELVES FIRST
Renewing or releasing the relationship – Desmond Tutu tells us “If we have a relationship in need of repair, we must remember that the wrong is not usually all on one side, and we are more easily able to restore relations when both people look to their contribution to the conflict”
What does the person I hurt need now to renew or release us both from the relationship? It is important that they let you know enabling you to make amends allowing you both to move on. It is indeed their choice as to whether or not they let you know. However, having asked and got no reply then you have done all you can to make amends and you are able to move on. They may not know themselves what they want from you. You are reconciling
When we release each other we are releasing not only the relationship but also the old story of the relationship.
When we are renewing the relationship we are starting again and creating a stronger relationship built out of the suffering we have shared. We have faced the truth. Reconciliation is always possible when both people are willing and see their part in what happened.
I’m available for a free 30 min chat if you would value the opportunity to explore these ideas further 07974 400575
My blogs below may help you
Do you feel hopeless in this situation?
Useful websites
www.theforgivenessproject.com
www.forgivenessfoundation.org
www.projectforgiveness.com
Recent Comments