Your Core values are your fundamental beliefs which make life feel comfortable and safe.
When the people around us have a similar set of values life flows better. These guiding principles represent the ‘authentic you’, and guide our behaviour to help us understand the difference between what’s right and wrong ~ that’s for us, of course rather than other people.
Often, when you hear someone discuss why they fell in love with their other half, they will mention that they have the same values. In this case, they are often talking about core values, or internal beliefs and it’s important that we live our life with our values to guide us; and stand firm and honour these beliefs on a day to day basis. Unfortunately our authenticity is not always what we present to the world. If you put small value on your values your world will not value you.
You may feel lonely or feel that your needs are not being heard. You are having to compromise what makes you truly you. The real woman inside of you who is dying to be expressed.
Feel the strong beauty within you and do not compromise what really matters to you.
It’s important too to remember that, sadly, a person’s core values aren’t always positive. Some people may be driven by self-interest or greed, and these are core values, too, if they dictate the way that a person approaches their life. Negative core values can develop when people live in fear or insecurity and are forced to focus on survival in difficult circumstances. Their values can pull you down if you are not wary of this clash of values and you will be compromising who you are and what really matters to you and what makes you sing inside.
So what are the steps I need to take to create a better relationship with this person I’m living with?
Here are my 10StepsRelationship
Have you heard of gas-lighting?
Are you finding it difficult to make decisions for yourself and feel you need consider the needs of another person a lot of the time? Is your confidence in yourself being under-mined?
The word has come from the story of the 1938 film Gaslight. It’s about a lady who had a fortune and her husband who made her feel she was crazy – and he ended up with her fortune!
You believe you’re strong in your self-belief and solid in who you are…right? Well, it’s amazing how easily we can take on another person’s view of the world and perceptions of who we are. If you’re not richly grounded in the soil of your own truth and innate goodness, it is terribly easy to lose your roots and be toppled.
From Dr Robin Stern, author of The Gaslight Effect.
“Gas-lighting is the systematic attempt by one person to erode another’s reality, by telling them that what they are experiencing isn’t so – and, the gradual giving up on the part of the other person. Gas-lighting takes two – one person who needs to be in control to maintain their sense of self, and the other, who needs the relationship to maintain their sense of self and is willing to acquiesce. The Gaslight Effect happens when you find yourself second guessing your own reality, confused and uncertain of what you think, because you have allowed another to define reality and tell you what you think — and who you are. Gas-lighting can be maddening in the early stages and soul destroying when it fully takes hold.”
You feel insecure, wonder if you’re too sensitive/emotional and keep apologising. Or you find yourself walking on eggshells and gearing your actions, and words, to your partner’s moods.
You feel like you are losing yourself, don’t know who you are anymore, and feel you are becoming someone else entirely.
When you’re being gas-lighted you can take on your partner’s (or another person’s) version of who you are. Your life can also become very narrow and you may be feeling deep shame about who you are as a person, and begin to isolate yourself from others.
Gas-lighting can be a very subtle form of abuse which is why it is so dangerous. It’s a lot about power, so chances are, if there’s a power imbalance in your relationship and you’re the one in the one down position, someone’s keeping you there through mental manipulation.
It can also kick in particularly with a partner with addictions, or one who is having an affair – or even if the person is ill and they are keeping you in control because they need you so much. We all know the old, ‘don’t be ridiculous, how could you accuse me of having an affair! I was just working late,’ routine. You are blamed for being insecure and irrational, causing you to question your accurate perception of the situation.
Do you feel you are walking on egg shells? Is someone making you feel you have to go against what is right for you?
Where do you know you you compromise your values?
Write down now 6 values and consider when and where you may be compromising them – and why.
Please do stand firm and stick to your values.
If you feel you need help with this then I would love to work with you.
Hi I’m Fran Doidge from Coaching for Wellbeing based near Malvern Worcestershire UK
Work with me on zoom/Skype
Call me on 07974 400575 or email me fran@coachingforwellbeing.co.uk.
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